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What if? by bayripley
30/09/2010, 05:51
Filed under: Uncategorized

You felt that it was time to decide: You would either go on like that, or you would change. You made your decision; you left the path of the usual and took the reformed one. You left your city, you dumped your lover, you changed your major at college, etc. Now, you like it or not, you have a new life.

If you are a (wo)man of such important, profound, challenging, reformist—or even revolutionary changes, there are certain encounters you get to rethink about your decision: You see your former classmates in the bookstore, you notice something new in your ex’ facebook page, or you simply hear from a childhood friend. This obvious phrase is automatically on your mind: What if… What if I went on with economics, what if I got married to her, what if I was still living in that city…

You are certainly aware of their transformation, though—a new professor at the department, your ex’ newhairstyle, some news about the people you used to know. You did not leave that road for “a change”. However, you are almost 100% sure that if you did not let that groundbreaking decision change your life, you would suffer until the end of it. You can even experience that in certain occasions. Your pal, who used to share his concerns about economics, is constantly whining about his job, your ex’ new is as dull as you used to be, or some guys from the old town are still sticking with their exodus plans, even though they are more and more rooted to that old city.

I adore this moment of notice. During these encounters, during this experience of self-questioning, I wonder if everyone feels the same. Therefore, this entry is not a one-direction text, but it aims to have you readers engaged. Don’t hesitate to describe your emotions during such encounters.

To state my own, I am going to use this lovely word of “anxiety”. My first reaction is an abrupt anxiety, which is derived from an imaginary time and place travel. The very moment right after my “what if”, I feel like I have never made the change, I feel like I am stuck at the realm I used to belong before my decision. This covers my soul with a grave anxiety; a very powerful and destructive sense of insecurity follows right away. Now that I know by experience that a better life exists, but feeling of being stuck is right there, I feel totally insecure in that familiar but not appreciated time and place. Full of panic, I look for something that would remind me reality, take me back to the life after the decision, to my lovely, genuine life. As soon as I get that, I feel the relief, and even mischief. I boldly made the decision, and now, I have all the righteous reasons to disdain.  I feel awesome afterwards.

And the most inspiring aspect of this experience is its length: All these emotions rule in a span of a second. It feels like an emotion shot, a strong slap on the face, a masochistic catharsis, a bigheaded regard towards life.

It feels so good! It feels great!

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3 Comments so far
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ah, just yesterday, I was talking about my newly-left friends’ longing for home. then I came up with this: “well, longing for here is always better than longing for out there.”

so two thumbs up ,cicish :p

Comment by votefordeniz

Yesterday I had an e-mail from the college. Basically they are looking for a person who has anxiety to make some scientific tests and the payment is more than fair.. Should I take this entry as a sign and apply? Other than that anecdote of mine, I want to rule out another hallucination which there is no “what if” at all, under todays technological circumstances.

Comment by pekyorur

same old story.. try not to get caught up in that so-called “anxiety” and sooner or later you will realise this very present life will become your reality, your must-have life. Try not to give up and leave it before you realise that. Going back to your comfort zone might sound like a good idea but once you are there, you realise you are almost sick of it. Think about the reasons that made you leave in the first place. Trust me, trying to get a second chance is way more difficult…

Comment by ozlem




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